Confessional.

• I’m absurdly cheap. I hate spending money- even on things I need. The only thing I splurge on? Work out clothes. Blame it on my job, but I seem to always find an excuse for a new pair of yoga pants or anything Under Armour. It’s a sick addiction, & I clearly need a new job.
• I am capable (and pretty good) at cooking 4 things: quesadillas, breaded pork chops, chili, & omelets. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got- much to my mom’s frustration. (And, ahem, my boyfriend’s too..)
• I love my cat- adore her. She’s a cutie. But all of my black outfits? Or my FAVORITE black fleece? Pretty much completely ruined. And sometimes I kind of wish I could lock her somewhere away from my closet so she could stop ruining all of my black stuff.
• I’m addicted to printed photos. (None of that digital stuff for me, thankyouverymuch). Also addicted to: office supplies, Real Simple magazines, brand new notebooks, pretty much ANY book that’s on clearance and looks remotely interesting, captain & coke in an excessive amount, Keeping up With the Kardashians, Real Housewives of.. anywhere, pretty much any type of trashy reality tv show (although I draw the line at vh1.
• When I read chick-lit, & the main character falls for a good guy? I read the last chapter to see if that’s who she ends up with.
• If I put in a movie at any time after 8pm, I will fall asleep. Unless it has intense action or is an Oceans movie. Seriously. That’s ALL that can keep me awake.
• When I’m easing back into blogging, bullet points are my BFFs.

Top 5 Issues With the Gym

• In the locker room, there are curtained off sections for a reason. Seriously. They are NEVER in use, and there is always an ample amount of boobs in my line of vision- no matter which way I turn my head! I’m weird in general- I adore my personal space, hate people touching me, despise people looking at me- why are these women so different? Why don’t they MIND that everything is just.. all out there? I mean. These boobs are not attractive. These boobs are saggy and they make me nervous for my future. Nobody should be comfortable blowdrying their hair, topless, with their boobs to their knees. IN PUBLIC.
• Check me out once while I’m on the track? That’s fine. I’m in my music zone, so chances are I won’t even notice. Check twice? It’s a bit obvious. But when you jump on the track, right behind me, and stay at my pace? And don’t jump in front of me- ever? I WILL get weirded out, and I WILL switch to a treadmill. Creepers.
• Asking how to work a machine? I’m cool with that. Except.. you know, there’s a good chance I don’t know either. I’ll try to help! Promise! But when you try to be all buddy-buddy with me? I won’t like it. I’ll try to make my escape. And I’ll probably avoid you. I go to the gym by myself, & if I go with Matt? We split up. I just don’t like someone being rightthere when I’m sweating up a storm.
• If I sit on the rowing machine ONE MORE TIME and have my butt stick to it- not because I’m sweaty, but because somebody else was? I’ll swallow the itty bit of puke that has formed in my mouth and I’ll switch machines. Seriously. Bring a towel, wipe your machine down, switch machines. It isn’t that difficult, it’s just being friendly.
• Yes, I had a training session. Yes, it kicked my ASS. Yes, it was mildly embarrassing but also a lot of fun and educational. BUT, that doesn’t mean I want another one. I don’t want another hour, to see what else I can do. I’ve said it before- I like working out ALONE- trainers are cool when they teach you their stuff, I don’t need them with me every time I work out. SO STOP ASKING ME TO SIGN UP. Thanks.

Okay, in all honesty? I’ll take the good with the bad because I’ve recently become obsessed with my gym. But if someone out there is listening? And can tell me why these things actually HAPPEN in a gym? I’d appreciate it. Because it’s obnoxious. But I’ll still take it over working out at home.

..because sometimes updates are just NECESSARY.

• I realize I’ve been sucking at blogging, but that’s just because I’ve been awesome at JOURNALING. This year, I decided, would be the one that I didn’t blow off all my resolutions by the second week in January. I figured- hey, I made them for a reason, right? So in an attempt to be good and stick to my guns, I started journaling. Nothing over the top, incredibly introspective. But just.. writing, what I think, what I feel, what’s happening. It feels nice to put it out there & be able to reflect on it later. A blogging audience is fantastic, but sometimes things can be just a bit too personal, IMO.
• I’ve been working out like a nutcase. I went running one day, out of the blue, at a local gym. I walked in expecting to suck. Expecting to be embarrassed. Expecting to not quite make it through the gym doors since Matt had to bad of a headache to go with me, which meant I had no moral support. I realize I’m being over the top about this. Anyway. I ran and I ran a lot more than I expected. And I sweated marginally less than I expected. And I didn’t lose my breath or pass out or die from exhaustion or embarrassment. I did well. So I went back, & now I KEEP going back since I am an official member AND I had a Personal Training session in which he told me that my being out of shape was all in my head. & then he proceeded to kick my ass. Hard. Walking? Isn’t fun today.
• My birthday (my 21st, to be exact) is coming up in less than 3 weeks. And there will be limos. And casinos. And shots: lots and lots of them. Needless to say, contemplating: what I’ll wear, how much money I’ll lose at the nickel slots, how hungover I’ll be for that entire weekend are at the forefront of my mind.
• That might be a bad thing, since I start my senior year during that week. That’s right, I’m beginning my insanely ADD semester, in which I’m not entirely sure what I’m even learning about. Interesting? I hope so.
• Holiday hours are nonexistent at The Retail Job now, which means a loss of hours. Which means a gain of sanity. I finally feel like I can breathe again- until I walk through the doors to go back, that is. Oh well, I’m dramatic. It’s not that bad.
• The truth? Things are going fantastically well. Maybe I need to pick on my job because nothing else is wrong? I think that’s it. I feel like working out helped me find my motivation & really see what I could do. It helped me realize that I don’t need to have goals just to have them- I can actually accomplish them & feel good about them, too. Lame as that sounds? It needed to be proven.

perfect days off

After I wrote the post about seeking clarity, I felt like it actually opened up my eyes. Things that had been on my to-do list for weeks- setting up an appointment with my internship advisor, actually beginning the search for a job that’ll make me happy- were crossed off of my list. I was putting off actually doing these things; the very thought of these big steps was freaking me out a little bit. So I kept putting them off- today, I accomplished it all.

I think pessimism has always played a big role in my life. I won’t get into the details of it, but my past has made me a little-less-than-optimistic. Although I often have a positive, upbeat attitude.. I didn’t always have faith in myself, my choices, & my life on a whole. I’ve slowly felt that shift- that inconceivable movement of that negative attitude into something sort of optimistic. Something positive. Something looking forward to the future, but adoring the time right now.

Anyway. Today was a fabulous day off. I slept in, hung out with Matt, finished my book, and watched Julie & Julia. All good things, made even better by the fact that I was wearing yoga pants and a broken in t-shirt. I’m pretty sure that if I could do everything in that uniform, my mood would never. be. bad.

All in all, a perfect Monday & a perfect change of outlook.

Seek Clarity

I’ve been journaling lately, which is always something I’ve found nearly impossible in the past, and if I’ve learned anything? It’s that I have a lot of stress. Stress that I talk about, and stresses that I keep to myself. I’ve been thinking of something to really work towards this year, & one of those things was to become more introspective. That’s already been happening- pretty quickly- I can identify what’s going on in my head and in my heart.. I just can’t seem to reconcile it. I can’t put the pieces together. I can’t figure out how to diminish the stress and live a happier, more care free life. I don’t want to come off wrong- I am happy. I love my life, with my boy and my cat. I hate my job, but it’s retail- and who doesn’t? I have a great family and fantastic friends; a really strong support system.

It’s not what I have that’s making me less-than-happy and more-than-stressed.. it’s what I don’t have: a clear vision. A clear idea of where I’d like to be, what I’d like to be doing. Not even so much in the job sense (which I can’t seem to stop talking about lately) more like.. everything. Our lease is up in our little duplex in March, and as of now, we have no idea where we’re heading next. The thought of that? Scares me a bit. It’s exciting, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a little nerve-racking not knowing where I’ll be in just a few months from now. I feel like there are all these tiny niggling questions that I need to answer in order to feel peace. I have these magnets on my fridge that a blogger sent to me a while back, saying Seek Clarity, and that’s what I’m trying to do. The other night, I was tossing and turning in bed and couldn’t figure out what I needed to spit out in order for my head to stop spinning- so I grabbed my journal & wrote the first thing that came to mind. You have a choice. For some reason, that did make me see clearly. It made me realize that those things I complain about? The job? The busy-ness? The gung-ho attitude toward school? I’ve chosen all of it. & I either need to make peace with my choices and make it work for me, or I need to choose something else. Choose a different route. There are so many options available to me- that’s the scary part. Searching and finding the perfect job, career, apartment, town.. it’s all a choice. It’s all available. I just need to calm down and seek clarity more often- seek that simple feeling of relief, and comfort, & happiness.. instead of stress.

That’s my goal.

picking & choosing

Last week I talked about my college career in all of it’s strangeness- and, not surprisingly, my job and internship searching is turning out to be just as vague and confusing!

Picking my major was a blessing; it meant that I could take a little of ‘this’ and a little of ‘that’ and learn what I wanted to. The bad part? Now I have a lot of information, but no true knowledge on one thing. Which makes job searching especially hard. It isn’t as if I majored in graphic design or teaching- that path is pretty straightforward. Instead, I’m stuck thinking.. well, what did I like the most?What could I see myself doing? And the truth? I have no effing idea.

So. Instead of focusing on the fact that I’m just really confused right now, I’m going to focus on what I know I don’t want to be doing:

• Working in retail. Do I even need to explain this one? I do it now, and I hate it. I promised myself that this past holiday season was my last holiday season.
• Accounting. For a long time I loved the idea of this- mainly because it’s a fairly direct career path?- but numbers make my head spin.
• Flight Attendant. For a period, I wanted to do this. Like- I was researching programs and everything. And then I realized that I’d be giving up pretty much ALL structure in my life, and, um? I live for structure. Not going to work.
• Dental Hygienist. I was actually working towards this in school, until one day I snapped back into reality and realized that I don’t even like going to the dentist, how could I ever work in one!?
• Doctor. I gave up that dream a long time ago. Plus, sickness grosses me out.
• Teacher. I wouldn’t mind being a guidance counselor, but I know I’d never be able to handle being a teacher. Especially not young kids; I definitely don’t have the patience.

Now that I know what I don’t want to do, maybe looking for what I do want will be a bit easier? Let’s hope.

A little less narrow

When I walk into a bookstore- I instantly walk over to the fiction section. I love Jane Green, Kate Jacobs, Jen Lancaster & authors that are a bit similar. Basically, I adore chick-lit. It’s not that I’m ashamed- even though, at times, I do feel a bit stupid explaining plots to people that inquire what I’m reading about. I just feel like maybe I should try reading something a little different, a little more substantial, something to make me think instead of simply smile.

I stepped out of my comfort zone the other day and snapped up “Indecision” by Benjamin Kunkel. Still in the fiction section, but something very different from what I’m used to. And after the first ten pages? I put it down in frustration. It’s not what I’m used to- it’s not what I normally like- it’s actually taking work to get into.

But isn’t that important when stepping out of your comfort zone? Isn’t that the basic idea of it? Doing something that doesn’t-feel-comfortable?

I’m hoping. And giving it another shot.

What books have you been reading lately? Hopefully I can grab some ideas to make the transition a little easier.

the whole new year resolution thing

I’ve done resolutions in the past. And when I say I’ve done them, I mean I’ve thought them up. Written them down. Promptly forgotten about them.

I wholeheartedly agree with the idea that you should make positive changes in your life any day of the year, but it’s nice to hang on to the idea of picking one day- that first day- to embark on something new for yourself.

So, just like every other year, I have some resolutions.

• Begin to write in a legitimate paper and pen journal, between 3-5 days a week. Use it as a way to reflect, instead of just a “..and then I did this on Saturday..” type thing.
• Really put forth some effort into my blog. Getting nominated in the 20sb awards made me realize that I really don’t deserve it- I need to start spending time working on posts and developing relationships instead of simply letting it all happen. So I’m excited to have a cool designer get started on a redesign, to jumpstart the whole process.
• Try to fit into my old jeans. I’m not saying I need to lose 15 lbs, I’m not saying I need to work out for 45 minutes 6 days a week. Those things? May not happen. I just want to fit into my jeans, because it’s annoying only having two or three pairs.
• Pay off all of my credit card debt entirely before graduation.
• Accomplish everything I need to in order to finish school by December, with honors.
• Put some time and effort into the causes I believe in. This is the year that I’ll reach out to the animal shelter & help them out with events; the year that I participate in a 2-day and volunteer to help out with the 3-day.
• Put more effort into developing my personal style.

See? I have a few goals, none of them too intense. I think the more manageable they are, the easier it is to keep up with.

What are your goals for the new year?

all good things.

Christmas was fantastic- but, let’s be serious, a weight has lifted now that it’s over. It’s easy to get caught up in the season (and it’s fun while it lasts) but working in retail and being in school means that you ALSO need to deal with working for insane crowds and studying for finals. I’m ready for the slow pace of the beginning of the year- working towards some resolutions and starting up new semesters of school.

This semester is actually really different for me. My goal for school was to learn as much as I could from a wide variety of options. Picking a single major and learning only that would never be enough for me. The field I want to go into is broad and you need lots of different skills, so I figured I’d come up with a way to make school work for me. Basically: I’m studying the vaguest of things. Ever. I’m an Interdisciplinary Communication major. Which comes with three tracks: Organizational (Business Comm), Media Writing & Production, and PR & Advertising. Most people pick one track; I picked all three. I have taken classes about mass media and video production and I’ve also taken classes about HR and business management. This next semester is bringing marketing classes AND writing classes. I’m cool with it. I had a few extra electives to tack on.. so I figured, pick a minor? Sure! I snapped up Psychology since it’s something I’ve always been interested in. Which means from February to May I’ll be learning: how to write in a business setting, marketing, multimedia design, clinical/counseling psych, and stats and research. This semester will be interesting, to say the least. At least I’ll have lots of information at the end of it!

It’s broad, pretty vague, and it wouldn’t work for everyone. But, I like it. It works for me.

I’ve always been so interested in what other people were doing; what are their goals, their interests, their jobs. That’s the thing that sucks about blogging- you can’t write about your workplace (usually) so you really can’t talk about an intricate part of your life! I’m excited that next week I’ll get to shadow someone on the job to get an idea of what they do- and see if it’s something I’d like to do. It’ll be interesting to be on the set of a job I’ve thought about but truthfully don’t know that much about.

I’m just excited about all the new opportunities that are coming up: isn’t that what the new year is all about?

facts.

• I’m freaking exhausted. After working 5 day work weeks in retail, during the holidays, and trying to study & prepare for finals week? My brain is done for. There have been so many times I’d open up this little Add New and instantly change my mind because I just couldn’t do anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary.
• On the plus side, I’M DONE. No more class until FEBRUARY. And, yeah, work still blows.. but the holidays are almost over.
• Do you watch Dexter? If not, you should. Because Sunday’s season finale BLEW. MY. MIND. I’m still a bit overwhelmed and not altogether happy with how it turned out, but I am anxious to see which direction they take it in next season.
• The holidays make me want nothing more than cookies, home cooked dinners, and sparkly lights. The cookies are not so good for my waist line.
• Speaking of waistline? I need to make mine shrink a bit. Seriously. Too much food & not enough time spent exercising.
• My cat is obsessed with yarn and is STARING at me right now, willing me to play with her.
• She wins.

What’s up with you?